Choices

I have survived! I really didn't know if I would but I did! A year ago is when my world collapsed. I still remember the sinking feeling I felt in my stomach when I read the letters and saw the photos of them. NO! This is not happening to me, this is not happening to my family! We will not be one of the statistics!!! I remember falling to my knees and crying out WHY?  I prayed and cried for a long time. What did I do wrong? I couldn't bring myself to call him that night. I thought about driving to Calgary and confronting him, but why? I had read the letters and saw the photos. He had made his choice and it wasn't me. In my mind I was no longer pretty enough, skinny enough, or sexually enough. Thats how I felt that night and for a while after, but not anymore.

This past year has taught me that it didn't have anything to do with me. It had to do with Satan. He wants families to fall apart, he wants individuals to second guess their worthiness. He will try anything and everything to break us. "Satan is working overtime to attack the family. He tells us that marriage is not important, that children do not need a father and a mother, and that strong families are not important. He tells us that moral values are old-fashioned and silly. When challenges come, Satan tells us to abandon our beliefs and go with the ways of the world. He entices us with fame and fortune and tells us where to find the easy life. He attacks our faith in God and tries to discourage even the strongest and most loving families. Satan is delighted when we give in-even just a little" (Barbara Thompson General Conference 2007). What can we do to strengthen our families and ourselves? We've been told over and over. We need to have family and individual prayers, have fhe, reading our scriptures, attend our meetings, attend the temple, pay our tithing.  When we aren't doing our part, when we let things slide, Satan starts working his way in little by little. We do have our free agency. We get to decide to right from wrong. When we choose Satans path our families lose, we as individuals lose. Divorce happens and addictions occur. We need to protect our families and ourselves. We need to hold to the iron rod and not let go no matter what. We need to listen to our Church Leaders. I have grabbed a hold of the iron rod, sometimes my hands start slipping, but I hold even tighter, why? Because my family is worth it and I am worth it.

Divorce

First of all this is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings. I hope that by me writing this and sharing my thoughts and feelings it might help someone. 

Divorce sucks! There is not another way of saying it. Losing my mom was hard, but my marriage ending was 100 times harder.  Dale and I were married for 22 years.  He was my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my everything. When my marriage ended all of that went away. I am lost. It's getting better everyday, but it's hard. It's really hard when you see family and friends happily married. That's when I have a pity party. That's when the what ifs come into play. 

Another reason why divorce is so hard is because in some ways I feel like I have lost my family. I'm talking about Dales family. Where do I fit in? Do I? When there is a reunion do I go? No I can't because Dale and Axinia will be there, but I've been a part of the family for 22 years. It's tough. I'm glad I'm moving the weekend of the reunion. My mind will be on that. Divorce sucks!

Divorce is hardest on the children. They are torn apart. If I live with mom then dad is sad, when I go to visit dad then mom is sad. Never talk smack about their dad.  He is their dad. He loves them. He may not love me anymore but he does love them. 

There are 5 reasons why I would do 22 years of marriage again even with the same outcome; Nicole, Ryan, Tyler, Max and Justin. 

Mothers Day

Tomorrow is going to be a tough Mothers Day, it will be my first without my sweet mom. I wish I had taken more time when she was here to thank her properly for all that she taught me, and for her example. You  think that your mom is always going to be there. Your mom is invincible. I don't know about you, but in my mind my mom could do anything. She was and will always be my hero.
 My mom taught me to love unconditionally. I was a bit of a brat in my early 20s. My mom loved me know matter what colour my hair was or what funky clothes I was wearing. My mom taught me to cook and bake. My mom taught me to serve others. My mom taught me to love the Gospel. My mom taught me listen when someone needed a listening ear. My mom taught me not to judge others, because you haven't walked in their shoes.
Mom loved her grandchildren and her great grandson so very much. She was proud of each and every one of them.
Mom loved her eternal companion.
Mom loved each one of her children.
I wish I had taken more time to thank my mom properly for everything she taught me.
I wish that tomorrow I could give my mom and great big hug and a kiss on her cheek and whisper in her ear Thank You for everything!
If you are lucky to have your mom here with you call her up, or do it in person if possible and thank her. You never know what is coming around the corner, don't miss the chance!

Mom I love you!

2013

Waiting for the Price is Right to start. 2013

Holding Jack for the first time.

2012

Ryans grad 2012

One of moms favourite spots with some of her favourite people.

With her big catch! 2012

Getting Healthy

I have decided that I needed to get healthy. I need to lose weight. And I need to do it for me. I know I'll never be 125 lbs again, but I need to lose weight. There are so many diets out there, how do you decide whats best for you? I believe when you want to lose weight and get healthy its a life change, it has to be. If I was to go on a diet that said no white flour or sugar and I loss weight, whats going to happen when you start to eat the white flour and sugar again? The weight is going to come back. Thats why it has to be a total life change. I'm one that if you tell me I can't have something I want it NOW! So, I'm going to cut back on my eating, I'm going to still enjoy eating, but I will eat less. I know that exercising is a big part of weight loss. Right now I'm doing Zumba two to three days a week. I love Zumba! Its super fun and boy do you get your heart rate up. I need to do something else, but I don't have a lot of money or time. So tomorrow morning I'm going to start walking to work in the morning. I figure if I walk to work in the morning and and then home for lunch I'm walking maybe a mile every day. I also know that getting enough sleep helps with losing weight. I need my beauty sleep! I don't have a scale to weigh on so I have no idea what I weigh, but I'm hoping that in know time my clothes will just get looser. I'll keep everyone posted on how I'm doing with my getting healthy.
Thanks to everyone who leaves posts. I love to read them. I feel your love and support and I thank you.

Elder Martin

I thought I would blog about my missionary. Elder Martin went into the MTC on August 7th 2013. He was called to serve in the Querataro Mexico mission. His visa for Mexico was late coming so when he left the MTC in September he went to the Boise Idaho mission. He received his Mexican visa the middle of October. I found out about that time that he had been having migraine headaches, he's had them before. His are stress related. So I wasn't surprised with what was happening at home and with the stress of learning another language.  They were bad enough that they postponed him leaving Boise so he could see a doctor and a counsellor. Finally after 2 months of not knowing what was going to happen the doctor, the  mission President and the missionary department in Salt Lake City decided that it would be better if Ryan didn't go to Mexico, but he couldn't stay in the States either. They extended a call to him to the Canada Vancouver Mission. He arrived there last Wednesday. He was picked up by the APs, one of which was Elder Brad Baker also from Raymond. He is serving in Burnaby and loves it. He said that he can't believe how many different ethnic backgrounds lived there. He said that he might use his spanish and maybe learn another language like chinese. I'm so glad that he serving his heavenly father. We have been blessed by him serving. I do miss him! Sometimes I find myself shedding tears, but I know that what he is doing is more important than anything he could be doing here.

I will not be selfish

Its hard to believe a year ago I was happily married. Sometimes I play the "what if" game. What if we had moved, what if I lost weight, what if I was more adventurous in the bedroom. Its hard. I work in the pharmacy in Raymond and a gentleman came who is a relative, and he was telling me how he and his wife were celebrating 55 years of marriage. He went on to say that he loved his wife more now than in the beginning. He asked me how long I had been married for (he didn't know about the separation), I told him 22 years. He asked me if I loved him more now then in the beginning, thats when I told him about our separation. He got tears in his eyes and gave me a hug.  I'm so sorry he said, me too I said back. We both wiped our eyes and he left.

 When I think of my mom in her hospital room and my dad sitting by her bedside, he wouldn't leave her side. I won't have that. I won't have the chance to sit by my spouses bedside or he by mine. It made me sad, and mad! How dare he take away my happily ever after, because he felt like I wasn't giving him what he felt he needed and deserved! He didn't think about how his decision would affect his children, parents, friends, extended family, and me. It was a selfish decision. He was thinking only of himself! Why was it so easy for him to throw away 22 years of marriage, but yet when comes to the business he was/is afraid to fire family members? One of the many things I've learned is that before I make a decision I will pray about it, I will talk to those who will be affected by my decision. I will not be selfish.

First Day

Well I survived my first day at the pharmacy or should I say the pharmacy survived me. I didn't know my brain could process so much information. I just hope that I still remember everything tomorrow. The ladies that are training me were so patient. On one transaction I forgot to put the decimal point in so the lady was suppose to get back $1.425.00. Wowser! Thank heavens it was an easy fix. Right now my brain is so tired I wish I could take my brain out and let it rest. I'm hoping that by the end of the week my brain will be use to all of the information and will retain it. I'm looking forward in learning more and getting to know the ladies I work with better. If you come in and see me be patient please!!!!

New Job

As some of you know I've been working at the high school as an EA here in Raymond since October. It was a full time substitute position. So I knew that when the EA was able to come back to work I would be out of a job. It happened quicker than I thought. On Tuesday my boys and I went to our pharmacy to get our flu shot. When it came to my turn the pharmacist (Wayne) asked me if I was looking for a job. I told him no because I was working at the high school. When I got back to the high school school the teacher (Becky) gave me the news that the EA was coming back early next week. I was sad and upset. I've loved working at the high school. The staff and the kids are awesome! When I got home from work I had to decide what to do. Do I take my chance of being on the schools sub list for an EA, or call about the job at the pharmacy. I prayed about and decided that since I'm the only bread winner in my home I had better call about the pharmacy job. I called Wayne and set up a time for an interview. I went yesterday and spoke to him. I got the job! I start Monday. It's 40 hrs a week (the school is 26.8 hrs). I do have to work every other Saturday :( but I get benefits! I'm so thankful for the watchful eye of my Heavenly Father. He knows what I need before I do. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the blessings I've received these last few months. Through trials come blessings.

My Children

I have been blessed with the best children in the world! I want to tell you about them.

Nicole: She is my oldest and my only daughter. We had a lot of fun when she was growing up. We loved to shop, go to chick flicks, and get pedicures. She has had her struggles. When Nicole was in grade 10 she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Its been 5 years since she was diagnosed, and she is doing great with it. Nicole wasn't your normal teenage girl. I heard horror stories of mood swings and such, but Nicole never had them. Maybe it was because all of her best friends from grade 8 on were boys (Ethan, Marshall, Adrian). A year after Nicole graduated from high school she decided to move to Edmonton to go to school. It was so hard to see her go. I knew she needed to, but she was my best friend. I'll be honest I cried. It was hard to let my baby girl go.  Nicole is now married to a wonderful man; Carter Peterson and they have a very handsome and smart 9 month old son named Jack. Nicole is a wonderful mother and wife. When she was only 28 weeks pregnant she was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia. It was so scary to see her so sick. She was in the Lethbridge hospital. They were not equipped to  deal with a baby that little. They flew her and Carter to Edmonton where a few short hours later she had a c-section. Jack was born weighing in at 2 lbs 9 ozs. Its scary enough to have a brand new baby, but to have one so little was really scary. After she was released from the hospital, she spent every single day their holding her precious little boy. After 70 days in the NICU Jack got to go home. Nicole is my hero. I look forward to when she is living closer so we can do all the things we use to do.

Ryan: Is my first born son and my only redhead. Right now he is serving a 2 year mission for our church in Boise Idaho. He is my worrier, always has been. I remember watching a tv show with our kids about tornados. Ryan was convinced every time the wind blew it was a tornado and asked where we should hide. Ryan was born with my ears. They stuck out. When he was in kindergarten he was visiting with his grandma and grandpa Atwood. He was working in the garden with grandma. It was right around Easter time, and Ryan said to my mom that he knew how Jesus felt. She asked him what he meant, and he said that Jesus had people making fun of him and they were mean to him. Grandma asked him if people made fun of him, and he said yeas. She asked why and he said it was because of his ears. Later that year he had surgery to fix them. Ryan is a great big brother. Ryan and Tyler loved dinosaurs! When they were little they had at one time over 200 dinosaurs. In fact when he was three he said he wanted to be a palaeontologist. I had know idea what that was, so I asked him. I think he's changed his mind. I miss Ryan, somedays more than others, but I know that he is doing exactly what he should be doing. I look forward in seeing how much he grows and learns when he gets home.

Tyler: Is my quiet boy. When he was little he said all of the normal things babies and toddlers say, but when he turned 2 it stopped. We tried to bribe him to say words, but that did not work. I knew he understood us, but he decided that talking was over rated. When he turned 3 he started to talk again. Tyler still is a man of few words. He only weighed 7 lbs when he was born, but boy he did not stay little for long. I remember him pushing furniture around like it was a piece of paper. I still don't think he knows his own strength. Tyler is very loyal, and is very loving and kind. I cannot believe that he is graduating this year. Where has time gone. You know up to last year he always came in to my room and gave me a hug goodnight, I miss that. Its so fun to see him with Jack. He talks to him like he is a grown up. I can't wait to see what Tyler does with his life, I know its going to be great!

Max: He did not want to leave the womb. I was in labor with him for a week! He was such a sweet little boy. He did have a temper though. If we said no to him he would fall back on his back and scream. For those who know him its probably hard to believe, but its true. When he was little he loved to go next door to watch movies with his gramma and grampa Martin. I knew where I could find him. I remember watching Max when he was 3 making  foul shots one after another, it was so much fun to watch him, he loved and still loves basketball. He is such a loveable young man. He is so willing to help where needed without too much complaining. Jack loves his Uncle Max. Max will sit down and play with him and is so comfortable with him, he's a natural. Max makes me smile! Max doesn't have a lot of close friends, but those who are lucky enough are very lucky, because he is very loyal. Whatever Max decides to do in his life he's going to be great!

Justin:  He is my baby, and always will be. He has a real sense of humour! I think he must have been about 3 when we had a neighbour that had two rottweilers. This one day they were loose and roaming around. They were not nice dogs and my kids were afraid of them. I had called the dog catcher to tell him and he was on his way over. I got my other kids off to school, and I set Justin up watching tv in my room while I showered. While I was in the shower he came screaming in saying that the dogs got the dog catcher. I told him to leave the bathroom so I could get out of the shower. I quickly rinsed my hair threw on my robe. I went into my room and opened the blinds. I asked Justin where they were, and he looked at me and said jokes! I could have throttled him. That is Justin in a nutshell. You never know if he's joking or not. When he was 6 he was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I was more upset than he was. He looked at me and said Heavenly Father won't give me more than I can handle (so true!). He is my little casanova. He had his first girlfriend when he was 5. Justin loves basketball and football and is fun to watch. I look forward in seeing what he does with his life, I know its going to be great!

My children are my everything! I have been blessed to watch them grow into wonderful people. I have always tried to make it to every performance, or game they are in. Some people think I'm crazy, but I am their mom! I can't imagine not wanting to go, even when its -30 and snowing. I hope and pray my children know how much I love them, and I wish I could protect them from all of the hurts of this world. I know that I can't, but what I can do is make a home where they feel safe, and where they know they are loved.

New Year New Beginnings

I am looking forward to 2014. I am going to reinvent Lynette. I am going to find some new hobbies, and step out of my comfort zone. I need to learn to love myself, for being me.

 I'm going to try my hand at starting a small business. I love to bake and cook so I thought I would see if there was anyone out there interested in buying what I make. Maybe I'll become famous for my goodies.

I want to become healthier. I know that I need to be a better example to my children by eating better and exercising.

Watch out 2014 here I come!